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October 5, 2011
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Water starts to fill my ears, I'm unable to  hear.
The salt that's burning in my eyes I cannot seem to bear.
Gravity has let me go I do not feel the ground,
And in the deep I'm helpless, the dark absorbs every sound.


When the sky suddenly broke into a black hell
The waves crashed onto me and I fell.


Like a pirate I felt that just found a treasure.
My ignorance so high noone could measure.
It's a fight for survival and freedom I said
Without seeing the freedom I had taken was bad.


So the sky suddenly broke into a black hell
The waves crashed onto me and I fell.


While holding my breath in the blue coffin,
My pride rescues me like every so often,
For every sailor goes through a storm
And I would never go down as a pirate is what I had sworn.
:iconmexicanpedo:
A rather randomly written poem about myself.

-Dzeni
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:iconambrosece:
~AmbroseCE Oct 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It's good. I like the imagery. Very basic; simplistic and not cryptic. It needs something, though... The meter's off. I can't place it. It's just missing a certain fluidity, you know?
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:iconmexicanpedo:
I know, I realized that too. I didn't bother changing it, though 'cause I was just dwelling on thoughts about myself here.
However, if you have any corrections, feel free to tell me. :)
And thanks!
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:iconambrosece:
~AmbroseCE Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the vote of confidence, but it's not really a matter of correcting, you know? More a matter of growing. It's kind of like how there's no wrong way to walk, but some ways are more graceful than others. You have potential here... you just need to feel out your style.
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:iconmexicanpedo:
I guess I chose the wrong words.
Let me say, if you have any suggestions on how to improve, feel free to tell me :)
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